Afterworlds
My assumptions about Chiara were only the beginning of the weirdness:
Terapia Intensiva, Policlinico Umberto I, Roma. Sometime between 6 and 8 January 2019.
There is no sign of Chiara now. There are others here, too busy clearing the decks to hear me or notice my lack of water. I don’t know the purpose of their work: it could be a simple tidy-up before going home or they could be making space to have a party. After all, the ward seems festive enough, warm red and gold, as if the light has been filtered through gaudy wrapping paper. I wonder if my family will come to the party, and whether there will be dancing.
This won’t be a dancing day for me but all the same, something starts to move. It might be the bed around the ward, or the ward around the bed, but either way I seem to have turned towards a cooler, fresher place around the corner. To my left I can still make out the ward, but to the right there’s darkness with points of light, rippling like night water, as if I’m on the wharf of a marina or small harbour. There is also what looks like a passenger area, where a number of subdued-looking people sit quietly on plastic chairs, or on the floor, hugging their knees while they wait for their ferry to dock.
I don’t know how I know they are waiting for a ferry, or if I shall be wheeled over to join them. And I don’t know for where the unseen ferry is bound, although from somewhere I hear whispers of Scandinavia.

I missed the boat. And I never saw the passengers or the harbour again. Instead, I tapped in my freedom pass to return to oblivion. When I came back, I passed through a dreamscape which reunited me with L and the kids in a deserted airport terminal, in an empty café, waiting for opening time and the promise of coffee and croissants and, above all, water. And when I opened my eyes on the ward, everything had changed:
I have moved again. Or rather, the entire ward has moved, to the upper floor of an auberge or pension in Paris. The lighting is still warm, but hazier than before. Art deco fan-lamps are a new touch, along with – I think – reproductions of Baroque or Renaissance paintings on the walls. The reception area or nurses’ station is where it was in Rome, but now it‘s less austere, and people can lounge there on what I describe to myself as ‘Second Empire’ furniture.
Chiara has also relocated to Paris. I glimpse her, but she’s too far away to hear me. But briefly, there is a new hope. After all, if this is now a pension as well as a hospital ward perhaps I will soon smell coffee brewing, even croissants. And maybe then I will get that drink of water.
I wonder if L has been told that I am in Paris, and if so, whether she will follow on by plane or, just as likely, take the sleeper from Roma Termini.
The light changes and I’m not in Paris anymore. The warmth and the fan-lamps and the furniture have gone and everything is a gloomy powder-blue and grey. The ward feels both colder and older. I‘m more aware of my bed. It’s small, and now has wooden side rails like a baby’s cot. I can’t see the other patients well but I think they are cotted too.
I try to reset myself in the bed and discover two things. One, that I can’t move. Two, that even the attempt, the merest twitch of my body, causes annihilating pain to spread from my left knee: a flashback, this, to the time before I got here.
Someone is moving past the other cots towards me. I hope it’s Chiara. Instead, a priest stands at the foot of my bed. Without speaking, he comes forward, bends over and tightly binds my wrists and arms. I remember my wedding day: kneeling at the altar with L while the golden-robed curate hand-fasted us with his stole. But this priest is in black and unlike the curate he doesn’t loosen the bind. Then he disappears into the now-dark nurses’ station.
I lie there for what seems like a long time, bound by who-knows-what, in pain, unable to move and still without water. For the first time since this started, I’m frightened.
* * *
Under major stress from medical trauma, super-strength opioids and being brought in and out of coma – my brain tried to map out its new reality. Or rather, mismapped it. This is broadly how I understand it. (I’m not a neuroscientist, but if you are and happen to read this, please feel welcome to comment and/or correct me.) Soon after I was discharged from hospital I made some notes about this time. Months later, I went back and tried to make some sense of them. In ‘reverse order’:
My fear and pain at the end of this sequence seem like the beginning of re-engagement: small steps away from the ‘Great Whatever’ towards feeling. The pain in my left knee was caused by septic arthritis, and got worse before it got better. The memory from my wedding day is accurate, and given the priest and the already noted absence of my loved ones, probably not that peculiar. Nor is it unusual to see a priest in an ICU: there could have been one at the end of my bed, although I doubt that he bound me as described. More likely, a nurse was tucking me in with my arms beneath the blankets. With the mixture of pain, loneliness and confusion it still seemed reasonable to be frightened, but in retrospect it felt less sinister than the micro-sojourn in Paris.
At the time this was just another moment in the Great Whatever, surprising but not scary. But I know nothing at all about the Second Empire, so where did the detail about the furniture come from? My only connection is to a line from a play, first seen in Oxford in 1979, when my A Level group attended a performance by another school. I’ve returned to the play since, but it is fixed in my memory mainly because I watched distractedly that evening, sitting next to a girl I was secretly in love with, and who died only a few years later.
Even in rude health, our brains throw up all sorts without cause for alarm, but the trouble with this line is that it was written by Sartre. Worse still, it’s from Huis Clos, delivered by a character (Garcin) who has just been escorted into Hell:
Second Empire furniture, I observe … Well, well, I dare say one gets used to it in time.
It’s disturbing to think you might have visited Hell: even as a tourist; even if you don’t believe in it; even if the version you passed through was mostly someone else’s. But perhaps I’d been mashing up versions of the afterlife already. I imagined being next to open water vividly – I’ve no idea if it was just any old river or the Tiber or a brackish sea. But I don’t think the downcast ferry people were waiting for the Viking Line, and no one entered Valhalla by boat. Maybe thoughts of Scandinavia sidetracked me. After all, there was that over-subscribed ferry that used to go to the Underworld …
I’ll never know. Probably the patterns I was looking for, the playing fast and loose with the afterlife, only mismap further what I was mismapping on the ward.
And there will be much weirder mismapping to follow. Next time, more from Terapia Intensiva – including the nearest thing I had to an NDE – and a little bit about the illness that put me there.

















