Sepsis Confidential: 2

Afterworlds

My assumptions about Chiara were only the beginning of the weirdness:

Terapia Intensiva, Policlinico Umberto I, Roma. Sometime between 6 and 8 January 2019.

There is no sign of Chiara now. There are others here, too busy clearing the decks to hear me or notice my lack of water. I don’t know the purpose of their work: it could be a simple tidy-up before going home or they could be making space to have a party. After all, the ward seems festive enough, warm red and gold, as if the light has been filtered through gaudy wrapping paper. I wonder if my family will come to the party, and whether there will be dancing.

This won’t be a dancing day for me but all the same, something starts to move. It might be the bed around the ward, or the ward around the bed, but either way I seem to have turned towards a cooler, fresher place around the corner. To my left I can still make out the ward, but to the right there’s darkness with points of light, rippling like night water, as if I’m on the wharf of a marina or small harbour. There is also what looks like a passenger area, where a number of subdued-looking people sit quietly on plastic chairs, or on the floor, hugging their knees while they wait for their ferry to dock.

I don’t know how I know they are waiting for a ferry, or if I shall be wheeled over to join them. And I don’t know for where the unseen ferry is bound, although from somewhere I hear whispers of Scandinavia.

I missed the boat. And I never saw the passengers or the harbour again. Instead, I tapped in my freedom pass to return to oblivion. When I came back, I passed through a dreamscape which reunited me with L and the kids in a deserted airport terminal, in an empty café, waiting for opening time and the promise of coffee and croissants and, above all, water. And when I opened my eyes on the ward, everything had changed:

I have moved again. Or rather, the entire ward has moved, to the upper floor of an auberge or pension in Paris. The lighting is still warm, but hazier than before. Art deco fan-lamps are a new touch, along with – I think – reproductions of Baroque or Renaissance paintings on the walls. The reception area or nurses’ station is where it was in Rome, but now its less austere, and people can lounge there on what I describe to myself as ‘Second Empire’ furniture. 

Chiara has also relocated to Paris. I glimpse her, but she’s too far away to hear me. But briefly, there is a new hope. After all, if this is now a pension as well as a hospital ward perhaps I will soon smell coffee brewing, even croissants. And maybe then I will get that drink of water.

I wonder if L has been told that I am in Paris, and if so, whether she will follow on by plane or, just as likely, take the sleeper from Roma Termini.

The light changes and I’m not in Paris anymore. The warmth and the fan-lamps and the furniture have gone and everything is a gloomy powder-blue and grey. The ward feels both colder and older. Im more aware of my bed. It’s small, and now has wooden side rails like a baby’s cot. I can’t see the other patients well but I think they are cotted too.

I try to reset myself in the bed and discover two things. One, that I can’t move. Two, that even the attempt, the merest twitch of my body, causes annihilating pain to spread from my left knee: a flashback, this, to the time before I got here.

Someone is moving past the other cots towards me. I hope it’s Chiara. Instead, a priest stands at the foot of my bed. Without speaking, he comes forward, bends over and tightly binds my wrists and arms. I remember my wedding day: kneeling at the altar with L while the golden-robed curate hand-fasted us with his stole. But this priest is in black and unlike the curate he doesn’t loosen the bind. Then he disappears into the now-dark nurses’ station.

I lie there for what seems like a long time, bound by who-knows-what, in pain, unable to move and still without water. For the first time since this started, I’m frightened.

* * *

Under major stress from medical trauma, super-strength opioids and being brought in and out of coma – my brain tried to map out its new reality. Or rather, mismapped it. This is broadly how I understand it. (I’m not a neuroscientist, but if you are and happen to read this, please feel welcome to comment and/or correct me.) Soon after I was discharged from hospital I made some notes about this time. Months later, I went back and tried to make some sense of them. In ‘reverse order’:

My fear and pain at the end of this sequence seem like the beginning of re-engagement: small steps away from the ‘Great Whatever’ towards feeling. The pain in my left knee was caused by septic arthritis, and got worse before it got better. The memory from my wedding day is accurate, and given the priest and the already noted absence of my loved ones, probably not that peculiar. Nor is it unusual to see a priest in an ICU: there could have been one at the end of my bed, although I doubt that he bound me as described. More likely, a nurse was tucking me in with my arms beneath the blankets. With the mixture of pain, loneliness and confusion it still seemed reasonable to be frightened, but in retrospect it felt less sinister than the micro-sojourn in Paris.

At the time this was just another moment in the Great Whatever, surprising but not scary. But I know nothing at all about the Second Empire, so where did the detail about the furniture come from? My only connection is to a line from a play, first seen in Oxford in 1979, when my A Level group attended a performance by another school. I’ve returned to the play since, but it is fixed in my memory mainly because I watched distractedly that evening, sitting next to a girl I was secretly in love with, and who died only a few years later.

Even in rude health, our brains throw up all sorts without cause for alarm, but the trouble with this line is that it was written by Sartre. Worse still, it’s from Huis Clos, delivered by a character (Garcin) who has just been escorted into Hell:

Second Empire furniture, I observe … Well, well, I dare say one gets used to it in time.

It’s disturbing to think you might have visited Hell: even as a tourist; even if you don’t believe in it; even if the version you passed through was mostly someone else’s. But perhaps I’d been mashing up versions of the afterlife already. I imagined being next to open water vividly – I’ve no idea if it was just any old river or the Tiber or a brackish sea. But I don’t think the downcast ferry people were waiting for the Viking Line, and no one entered Valhalla by boat. Maybe thoughts of Scandinavia sidetracked me. After all, there was that over-subscribed ferry that used to go to the Underworld …

I’ll never know. Probably the patterns I was looking for, the playing fast and loose with the afterlife, only mismap further what I was mismapping on the ward.

And there will be much weirder mismapping to follow. Next time, more from Terapia Intensiva – including the nearest thing I had to an NDE – and a little bit about the illness that put me there.

DISCO

An update from the day job:

People don’t always notice Marnie Crawford, and when they do, they tend to underestimate her. She has a Masters in Social Sciences, and was so unobtrusive at university that “the tutor didn’t even know {she} was enrolled until [she} turned up to a viva.” From uni she went on to the police, where criminals duly failed to notice or underestimated her which – given her superior arrest record and solve rate – was extremely unwise.

With their own arrest record in steep decline, the Ministry of Defence has created a new unit within the Military Police. As an experiment they have chosen a civilian to lead it. Enter Marnie, with her expert knowledge of bias theory, a tendency to work out her thinking via voice notes, and an impressive collection of Sister Sledge recordings on vinyl.

DISCO (Radio 4, TX 2 -6 June 2025) takes a bias for each episode (Functional Fixedness; Anchoring Bias; Belief Perseverance; Hot Hand Fallacy and Hostile Intent Bias). Marnie’s knowledge often helps her, but sometimes it creates red herrings. And DISCO itself is something of a red herring. Granted, Marnie likes to escape from her own head into four-to-the-floor music, but the unit she has been asked to head up is called Defence: Serious Case Operations.

And of course, everyone refers to it as “DISCO”.

The series asks two questions. 1. Who killed Adam McTavish, tuba player in a military band? and 2. Who is Marnie sending her voice notes to?

Bryony Hannah is the voice throughout. And the writer is Nick Walker …

* * *

The sixth and last series of Annika Stranded was recorded in the early weeks of the first lockdown in 2020, with producer, sound engineer and coordinator tuning in remotely, and Nicola Walker performing from her newly-configured cupboard/home studio. Working with colleagues and ‘talent’ in three dimensions, in a real studio, is still much better, I think – and unquestionably more fun – but the remote MO has outlasted the pandemic to become an entirely reasonable way to make programmes. It is easy to forget how new and strange it was back then.

Annika has since moored her speedboat in Glasgow, in a reimagined Annikaverse for TV (Alibi/BBC). Her family dynamic is very different but – with Walkers Nick and Nicola still at its heart – the spirit of the original radio shows is never far away.

But this is not a post about Annika. Partly this is catch-up after six years of blog-silence, but principally it’s to remind you what a fine writer Nick is.

In 2021, we collaborated with him on a series of stories called Making Amends. Essentially, this was a La Ronde of human frailty, starting with an alcoholic who tracks down someone to apologise to, only to find that the person they sought was not at home because they were, in turn, seeking to make amends to someone else. Again, we recorded all five readers – Hermione Norris, Stuart McQuarrie, Tracy Wiles, Rosie Cavallero and Tony Gardner – remotely or semi-remotely.

But also, I’d like to remind you of the prodigious talent of Bryony Hannah. We first worked together about twelve years ago. Since then, I’ve tried to work with her as often as is reasonably possible. She has an extraordinary ability to find a character, a life, a backstory in even the most pared-down script.

Last year, thinking about a new Radio 4 slot – described by Nick as “Book at Bedtime without the book” – we asked Nick and Bryony to get together from the very outset. The result is DISCO. I hope you enjoy listening to it as much as we enjoyed making it. If you want a sneak preview of what to expect, click here.

P.S. Sepsis Confidential: 2 will be available very soon.

Sepsis Confidential: 1

The City Of Oblivion

As NDEs go, it was a non-event. When everything stopped on 5 January 2019 – at about 1 a.m. – I was already unconscious. My shut-down and my reboot, when medical staff worked to resuscitate me in the corridor of Emergenza ed Accetazione (A&E), both completely passed me by.

Afterwards, while the hours passed and my heart was beating anew, I rested in nothingness, until an in-breath started to suck me out of the neither-dark-nor-light:

After the out-breath I begin to hear things: gurgles, mechanical hisses and competing rhythms of breathing. One is slow, one is fast. The trouble is, both of them are mine. I fight to maintain the slow, mindful rhythm, but the faster one wins out – one-two, in-out – as if my lungs are under the orders of a drill-sergeant.

And then a voice: “The mask controls your breathing. Just give into it. Work with the oxygen.”

Who is saying this? I’m not sure. I could be talking to myself but, whoever speaks them, the words bring me back decisively from the fuck-all. First there is darkness, then light. Maybe a phosphene or two. Then this much comes back to me: I am in Rome; I am ill – I don’t know with what – and that I went to hospital. Dimly, I recall triage, a trolley and an oxygen mask.

When I open my eyes, I see a young woman wearing big Wayfarer glasses, busying herself around the bed I have little sense of but must be lying in. Oddly, I think she might be Dutch. She wears a green gown and has strawberry-blonde hair and a kind, serious smile.

And then L speaks. My wife. I can’t see her but her voice is a rare moment of clarity: “This is Chiara*,” she says. “She’s been looking after you.”

While we are agreed on the big glasses, L remembers Chiara as being blonder and wearing a white tunic. This is the first evidence of the idiosyncratic way I would process sound and vision in the coming days. Embarrassingly – and I don’t remember this – it seems I tried to say hello to Chiara in a Leslie Phillips “ding-dong” voice. Soon afterwards, I drifted off again. When I came round, both L and Chiara had gone:

Breathing is still unnatural – I’m all too aware of the ventilator and the gurgles of the oxygen tank – but it has been supplanted by a new need: water. To live I must breathe, and to breathe I must drink. I feel dry, if not cured, like bresaola. To find water, I must find Chiara, but there is no sign of her. For the first time, I look out beyond my bed.

I can’t see a hospital ward, as such, but for the first time I am aware of a bigger space. There seems to be a lot of old, dark wood, like you would find in church pews. I think I see others around me and that they, too, are sick. And I think I glimpse Chiara, tending to one of them.

And I become convinced of two things. One, we are utterly alone in our sickness. And two, that Chiara isn’t a nurse but another patient, just less unwell, and she has taken it upon herself to care for the rest of us. If we have hope, in this strange and unreliable place, then it rests with her.

* * *

Chiara was an ICU nurse, of course, and although I hadn’t figured it out then, my hydration needs were being met intravenously. After the cardiac arrest, I was resuscitated, intubated and placed in an induced coma. Briefly, I was brought out of sedation the next day, so probably this happened then. We will return to Terapia Intensiva (ICU) in Policlinico Umberto I for longer next time – but these were my first experiments with consciousness after I swapped a holiday in the Eternal City for a mini-break to oblivion.

Given that all this happened over six years ago, and it’s almost as long since I blogged (see Same geezer, different hat: After sepsis), why return to it now? Isn’t it a bit Aunt Ada Doom, reminding you that I once saw something nasty in the woodshed?

Perhaps. And those close to me could be forgiven for thinking so. There are variables to factor in such as age, cause and underlying health – but it’s generally thought that it takes a sepsis survivor at least a year to recover. I suspect I’m not the only one who read this somewhere early in convalescence and took it to mean ‘no more than a year’. In the second half of 2019, I went to a couple of support group meetings+ run by the UK Sepsis Trust. These were chaired by ICU nurses. To protect the privacy of others I must generalise but, young and old, we sat around a table to describe our experiences and the physical and emotional challenges we had faced or continued to face. These all differed from and overlapped with one other, but common to all was a sense of bewilderment behind the eyes. (Later, when I described this to a friend who visited me soon after I got back from Rome, she replied, “Yes, of course. That’s what I saw in you.”)

Some people were there barely weeks after their crises. Seven or eight months on, I was near the median. But some survivors present were anything from three to six years into their recoveries. At the time, I assumed they had come more to support others than for their own needs: sharing their experience on practical matters like managing different parts of the health system, or PIP claims, or to provide a useful outlet for the nurses when they wanted to underline a general point with some specifics. Six years on, while I still believe this, I understand that they were probably still ‘carrying’ sepsis with them, albeit in a better, lighter backpack than once they had.

March 2019, with stick and orthopaedic sandals.

Here, I can only describe my own experience. They say that scars are proof you have lived or, in this instance, survived. Well, I have two scars on my right arm that were initially black and have bleached out over time. These were from unsuccessful attempts to cannulate me on arrival at Umberto I. This is OK. Because the ends of my necrotic toes auto-amputated, my new ‘tips’ get tired and sore quite easily because they are performing functions they were never designed for. In the same way, the once-necrotic wound on my left heel, the one that took over four years to close up, also gets tired and sore sometimes, and splits once in a while. And this is OK. I still have occasional moments of brain fog (i.e., more than usual) and days of seemingly random fatigue. These, too, are OK. More unsettling are the little things that only capriciously prompt fear or anxiety: a smell of rubber or silicone that suddenly reminds me of an oxygen mask; feeling chilled; the little scratchy feeling at the back of the throat at the start of a cold; a particularly dark December night; TV images of hospitals or of the city of Rome.

I should stress that this is all entirely manageable. I’m not saying “Poor me” here, just that I still ‘carry’ sepsis with me, and see those ‘old-timers’ at the support groups now in a different light.

After one of the meetings, I fell into conversation with one of the Trust nurses. First, I told him how well I’d been cared for at Umberto I. He said that to bring me back from meningococcal sepsis meant they clearly knew what they were about. I went on to tell him that I had feelings, not of guilt, exactly, but of ‘survivor-pressure’, of a need to pay some dues. He replied – from his perspective as an ICU nurse – that given I looked so well and was living my life meant I was already paying them.

This was the kindest thing he could possibly say. All the same, the taxman in my head still drops by whenever he’s passing through. I never undertook the sponsored pilgrimage I envisaged in my bed in Malattie Infettive (Infectious Diseases) one January afternoon in 2019 – a reminder, this, that our expectations need constant surveillance and occasional pulling in for questioning – but I did a month of sponsored dog-walking with our beloved springer spaniel – now passed – last year.

Now, the taxman is back again. He’s reminding me that a doctor in Rome once said I was the luckiest sepsis patient he’d ever seen. And this is why I’m reviving my very-long-dormant blog.

To begin with – because they are strangely precious to me – I’ll focus on the hallucinations, dreams and delusions from those early weeks, and that brief period when I lived in a bi-polar universe, flitting between the coherent world of my family, and the parallel, often paranoid, telenovela world of the hospital, all based on what I thought I heard – in a language I don’t speak – in the corridor outside my room. Why those particular hallucinations: when ICU was sometimes a ward, or a Paris hotel, or a Soviet spacecraft? Why did a doctor’s smile frighten me so? Why were Queen performing live behind a curtain? Why was a nurse leading a sex and death cult on the ward? And why on earth did I call that nurse ‘Henry’?

I can’t possibly repay for all the work of health professionals in Italy and the UK, or the love and patience of my family and my closest friends. And I can’t pretend that what follows isn’t part of my own interminable rehab. But if anyone reads this, or subsequent posts, and at the very least feels some fellow feeling is going their way, then maybe I’ll have begun to pay some of those dues.

This is me, having a go.

* * *

* Chiara is the first of a few changed names to come.

+ As well as providing support for sepsis survivors, these meetings are also intended for those caring for a survivor, or grieving for a loved one lost to sepsis. In my own case, my family essentially transplanted themselves to Rome for a month, creating chaos not only in their emotions but in their work and study too. There is a substantial parallel story to be told here, only it isn’t mine to tell.

The Officer At The Bus Stop: Berlin 1989 (Reprise)

One of the guiltier pleasures of convalescence has been an escape into spy stories. Listening to them. Audio versions of John Le Carré novels, including his latest, Agents Running In The Field, and the BBC’s dramatised The Complete Smiley with Simon Russell Beale. Len Deighton, too: Funeral In Berlin and his nine ‘Bernard Samson’ novels (The Game, Set And Match; Hook, Line And Sinker and Faith, Hope And Charity trilogies). This is all fine entertainment, and while I can’t be nostalgic for the world they describe, I am taken back to the Europe into which I was born and in which I grew up. So it’s a sort of comfort food, or – in spy novel terms – a safe house.

There’s no need to dwell on Le Carré’s quality here. But while Deighton’s books seem more ‘locked’ to their time, he is much better than he is sometimes given credit for, especially when he writes about Berlin. He brings out not just the history and topography but, above all, the strangeness of the city during the Cold War. It’s as if his own pulse quickens every time he returns there.

Or maybe it’s my own pulse that quickens hearing it: I have a thing about Berlin, too.

When we were kids, our great-uncle used to send us a board game every Christmas. I imagine this is how GO: The International Travel Game came into the house. If you click on the link you’ll see this was very much a game of its time: when travel was glamorous, the boat train from Victoria took people to ‘the continent’, and the lucky flying few took airlines called BOAC or BEA and stepped on and off the tarmac looking like Marilyn Monroe or Astrud Gilberto or the Beatles. I can’t remember the rules or even the objective of GO, or whether we ever played it to a successful conclusion. But the point is this: the board took the form of a world map. In the middle was an area in battleship grey (Germany), neatly but inaccurately divided into East and West by the board’s fold line. And in the middle of that was a landing circle for somewhere called Berlin. I was too young to know what it was, but I remember fixating on the name. It sounded creepy.

That was the start of it. The war films and the war books and the spy films and spy novels came later. By then, I was a Cold War kid, and Berlin was the front line. It still sounded creepy, scary and totally compelling.

*

In the autumn of 1989 I receive an unexpected tax rebate. I spend it booking a long weekend in Berlin. L – my wife, as she isn’t then – has been before but this will be my first trip. We’ve been following events in the GDR on the news and think it will be an interesting time to visit. In the early evening of Thursday 9 November, while we are in the air somewhere between Heathrow and Tegel, a somewhat chaotic press conference in East Berlin makes things even more interesting.

Not that we can tell on landing. Tegel is quiet. If our cab driver knows anything he isn’t letting on. We check in, unremarkably, at Pension Nürnberger Eck in Schöneberg and go to bed. We may be among the last people to become aware that the world has changed.

On Friday morning, we are still oblivious. They say nothing to us at the pension except that there is a choice of tea,  coffee or hot chocolate with our breakfast. When the mist clears it’s a cold, bright day. We hit the streets of West Berlin, get our bearings and inhale the Berliner Luft. More than once, a well-heeled ‘Wessie’ smiles at us as we pass. Friendly, I think. I wonder if there are always queues outside the banks. In a subway, we even see a tabloid headline along the lines of ‘The Wall has gone. Germany weeps for joy’ and wonder what has been said for the paper to choose such a lurid headline.

Slow on the uptake, perhaps, but there’s no 24/7 news on mobiles back then and we are children of the Cold War: what is actually happening around us is unimaginable. But we stop in a Charlottenburg café and the radio is on: L thinks she’s heard that the GDR has opened the border and that all sorts is going on at the Wall. We hurry to the Brandenburg Gate, still not sure what we’re going to find, and wonder if there is anything sinister about the number of low-flying helicopters.

Brandenburg Gate, 10 November 1989. [photo by Lisa Osborne]
And then we see them, crowds of people by the Wall and people standing on it. Occasionally there are jeers and whistles when – and we can’t see this – someone on the Eastern side wants to be friendly and is restrained by the Volkspolizei. On our side of the wall, a British military jeep drives past and this, too, is whistled at. But mainly, it’s party time. A brass ensemble strikes up. We stand in the crowd for an hour or two, processing. When we finally head off, we see one of two people with chisels or pickaxes, hacking the first chips from the Wall.

Later, we find a very useful electronic news screen on the Kurfürstendamm which fills in some of the gaps. This screen becomes our reference point for the next few days. The bank lines were East Berliners queuing for ‘welcome money’. (Years later, it occurs to me that the smiling West Berliner’s we’d passed mistook us for ‘Ossies’.) We watch Trabants and Wartburgs crawl slowly through Checkpoint Charlie to heroes’ welcomes. We hear Chancellor Kohl speak outside Schöneberg Town Hall. We stop to eat at the bar of the Film Bühne am Steinplatz. The place is heaving. Typed on the top the menu, it reads “10. November 1989, Tag des Deutschen Einheit”. Our waitress is tripping on adrenalin. She tells us she is going to party very hard when she finishes her shift.

And she will be spoiled for choice. The Ku’damm that night is one very long street party. Dance music in some venues, beer songs in others. A pair of old Berliners – gap-toothed and soaked in schnapps – dance and sing to a hurdy-gurdy.

Saturday – 11 November, Armistice Day, St Martin’s Day – is calmer. We try to cross into East Berlin at Friedrichstraße. There’s a semblance of order at the S-Bahn station – and we are suitably intimidated by Vopos patrolling the gantry with machine-guns – but at ground level, it’s chaos. There are crushes of people from East to West and West to East. Without orders on how to respond to the situation, the guards are simply brushed aside. But while entering East Berlin unprocessed and without Ostmarks might be one thing, getting back to the West later that day might be quite another. We turn back.

Potsdamer Platz, Sunday 12 November, 1989. [photo by Lisa Osborne.]
On Sunday morning we go to Potsdamer Platz, where another part of the Wall is to be breached. The Mayors of the two Berlins meet symbolically in the gap, and thereafter more people from the East, many carrying flowers, walk into the West to have Sunday lunch with family or friends for the first time in 28 years.

We decide to have another go at visiting East Berlin. This time, we try Checkpoint Charlie and here, it seems, normal service has been resumed. We queue for a while. In the line, next to a man from Sri Lanka who while making conversation berates us for Britain’s colonial past. A officer of the Grenzpolizei looks at our passports, looks at us over his glasses with practised skill and makes me feel I am guilty of any number of crimes I haven’t committed. We are directed first to a kiosk – to change a prescribed amount of money into Ostmarks – and then into a deserted street. It seems like a time-portal is taking us back to 1945, but we are now in the East.

Potsdamer Platz, 12.11.89. In West Berlin for the first time in 28 years [photo by Lisa Osborne]
Unter den Linden is also a time-portal, but with the controls set for the heart of 1953. Whether it’s because of acid rain or the fumes of too many two-stroke engines, the lindens themselves are in bad shape. This was the grand imperial thoroughfare of Bismarck’s time and before, but today it’s very quiet. Alexanderplatz is even quieter. Perhaps every Sunday in the capital of the GDR is like this. Or maybe it’s because so many of its citizens are visiting the West.

We decide to go to Karlshorst, home to the Soviet ‘Berlin Brigade’ and loosely described as the “Russian quarter”. We’re not sure what we expect to find, but think it might be an interesting place to wander.

And it is while we are wandering that we see fighting – close-quarters, house to house – from the safety of the top of a street. Someone makes a crouching dash across the road protected by covering fire from a comrade in a doorway. But this isn’t Stalingrad. The soldiers are small boys, the machine-guns are plastic, and the buildings of Karlshorst are undamaged by bullet or shellfire. It’s a misty Sunday afternoon in November: play time.

St. Marienkirche, Karlshorst, 12.11.89. [photo by Lisa Osborne]
As the light fades we hear singing. A procession of children with lanterns, a few adults at the front, the rest bringing up the rear. We follow from across the road until the line of light stops outside a church and everyone files in. Silhouetted under the arch, a man is about to close the door but, seeing us watching, he stops. A hand reaches out to us from the light, beckoning. We hesitate. He beckons us again. We make our way into the church.

No longer in silhouette, a portly man in a sober suit welcomes us. He explains that the procession is for the Feast of St. Martin. They have already walked and sung their way to the Lutheran church for a short gathering and have now – with a few Lutherans in tow – returned here, to the Roman Catholic church.

St Martin of Tours: friend to the child, friend to the poor man. The most common story about him involves his encounter with a beggar by the roadside. He takes his fine cloak, slices it in two with his sword and hands one half to the beggar. At the front, the priest takes the tale as his starting point. L has good German and whispers translations in my ear.

“Many of you will have visited West Berlin in the last few days,” he says. “You will have been excited by the lights, all the goods in the shops, received your welcome-money. Some might see our friends in West Berlin in the role of St. Martin, with ourselves in the role of the beggar. But do we see ourselves this way?”

It’s little more than a murmur, but the answer is unanimous – an indignant, defiant “No.”

“Of course not,” the priest continues. “There are many, so many, people less fortunate than ourselves. Can anyone think of somewhere where people are less fortunate than us?”

A pause. A small boy shouts out “Romanien!” A couple of people snort. Most of the adults smile indulgently.

On leaving, the portly man hands out pastries. Feeling we are not part of this, we hold back, but he insists we take one. The atmosphere is gentle, friendly, communal.

It’s properly dark and much colder when we step back outside, and the mist which has never entirely lifted is getting thicker. As we head back towards the S-Bahn we pass a Soviet officer – I don’t know what rank – standing on his own at the bus stop. He looks lost in his own thoughts. I wonder, this weekend of all weekends, what he’s thinking.

The Synagogue in Oranienburger Straße, May 1990. [photo by Lisa Osborne]
Back in the centre of the divided city it’s even quieter then when we first arrived. We pass the ruin of the Synagogue on Oranienburger Straße and in the darkness it gives us the shivers.  Back on Unter den Linden there’s a glow in the distance, as if part of the city is on fire. But it’s only the lights of West Berlin. By evening we are more than ready to go back to them.

*

We returned to Berlin six months later, in May 1990. In some ways this was even weirder. The Wall was literally disintegrating – though still neatly whitewashed on the Eastern side – and bits of it were already being sold as souvenirs on the pavements. Restoration work had begun on the Synagogue in Oranienburger Straße. Rabbits bred and ran rampant over what used to be No Man’s Land. Some people changed money – Ostmarks for Westmarks, Westmarks for Dollars – through holes in the Wall. And yet the formalities of the border between the West and the GDR were still observed. We still had to go through Checkpoint Charlie and buy Ostmarks to go to East Berlin and the Grenzpolizei were just as unfriendly. Officially, the GDR was still a sovereign state without formal plans to dissolve, but it was clear that it was only a matter of time.

[photo by Lisa Osborne]

*

I have been back to Berlin many times since. We have friends there and it feels very much like my ‘second city’. Thirty years on, the future of Europe is once more uncertain, and there are leaders out there who preach unity while pursuing division. So it’s good to remember a moment, however brief, however imperfect, that really did bring people together.

[P.S. You will have gathered this is essentially a re-assembly of two much older posts. Thank you for your patience. And Happy Anniversary, Berlin.]

Same geezer, different hat: After sepsis

Policlinico Umberto I [photo by Lisa Osborne]
As hospitals go, Policlinico Umberto I in Rome is big. So big that you might need an ambulance – as I did – to transport you from one ward to another. So big that you might borrow from Douglas Adams’ rap on the size of space to describe it: from most parts, it really is a long way down the road to the chemist.

Malattie Infettive (Infectious Diseases) is in the south-eastern corner of the hospital. I’m lying in bed in a new side room, still unable to sit up unaided. Finding my veins has been a challenge for the nurses, but I’m cannulated and antibiotics are dripping away along with a medicinal compound, the colour of school lemon curd, in place of food. I no longer need a nasal cannula for oxygen. I don’t have a firm shake-hands grip on reality just yet, but I’m getting there.

Sundays are quiet in Malattie Infettive, with less bustle and fewer animated, Italian conversations echoing in the corridor for me to misinterpret. The Sunday before I’d only just arrived here, partly delirious, and in a room with a light-heavyweight crucifix on the wall where I hoped a clock might be. I had no watch, and the tinted acetate covering the window made it hard to interpret the Roman daylight. By the time my wife arrived at the start of visiting I was convinced, wrongly, that it was already Monday. I berated her, unfairly, for not coming to see me the ‘previous’ day.

And the Sunday before that, I was in the ICU, just about alive.

But now it’s the morning of Sunday 20 January and I may be wiggling my toes. This is something one of the doctors has encouraged me to do and I have decided to trust her absolutely. And right now, I’m not good for too much else. Any wiggling I might be doing is interrupted by the arrival of the medical director. I can’t remember whether he examines my feet with their black, necrotic heels and ‘foot fingers’. This is as much a social call as a clinical visit. In faltering but impressive English, he asks me how I’m doing.

Before he leaves, he tells me I am the luckiest sepsis patient he’s ever seen.

Some ball-park stuff about sepsis, or blood poisoning, as it is sometimes described. According to the UK Sepsis Trust, “Up to 80% of patients survive sepsis.” But should you develop septic shock, that figure changes to around 50%: the toss of a coin. And should you survive, there’s a risk of long-term complications or damage to vital organs, or you may need amputations to keep you alive. Because it often starts by looking like something else, sepsis is not always easy to spot.

In my case, towards the end of a family holiday in Rome, I noticed the beginnings of what I thought was ‘a bit of a cold’. This developed into a fever alternating with abnormal chill, became bringing up blood, became mottled skin, became being unable to move because too weak and in too much pain from a swollen left knee and right wrist. By the time I was admitted to Umberto I, sepsis and septic shock were presenting as double pneumonia and soon afterwards as cardiac arrest. After a few precarious days, a blood test revealed neisseria meningitidis bacteria as the principal cause of infection, and appropriate antibiotics turned things around. Because I was in an induced coma for six days, the critical time was much harder for my family than it was for me.

Strapped to a trolley, take off was disconcerting and apparently my monitor readings went haywire. Thereafter the air ambulance was cool. I lay back, turned my head to the window and looked at the stars. [Photo by Lisa Osborne]
I was well cared for in Umberto I for nearly a month, after which I was deemed strong enough to fly home by air ambulance. I then spent a further ten days in a London hospital before finally going home.

They say it takes at least a year to recover fully from sepsis. Six months on, I am still processing what happened. Perhaps because I was oblivious at the most dangerous time it has taken this long to accept how ill I was.

Six months on, there’s a part of me still lingering or even malingering in Umberto I. There are moments of existential fog, swings of mood, random tearfulness. All of this is consistent with what they call Post-Sepsis Syndrome. I am still disturbed, sometimes, by the vivid hallucinations I had in the ICU, and by the period of ‘parallel reality’ that followed for at least a week after I came out of the coma. (Interactions with my family were normal and accurate, but at the same time I firmly believed in a delusional, often paranoid soap-cum-psychodrama about the doctors and nurses, built upon conversations overheard in a language I do not speak!)

I will hate forever the rubbery smell of an oxygen mask.

But, at the time of writing, I am systemically well. I am working again, gently, with a new series of Annika Stranded and a set of stories from Zoe Gilbert’s Folk already under my belt. My mobility has been impaired, temporarily, by the damage to my feet. My toes will be shorter and uglier by the time the podiatrists have finished, but I will still have them, and this wasn’t a given at the beginning of the year. Psychotherapy, physiotherapy and a supportive GP are all playing their part in recovery.

What recovery will look like, I don’t yet know. I suspect it will be that point at which I am no longer thinking about recovery.

But the man at Umberto I was right: I am very lucky.

Why am I telling you this? Partly, I suppose, to increase awareness about a disease that kills a lot of people and damages many more. My life – and my family’s life – changed the moment I lost interest in Michelangelo’s ceiling and began to feel ill and stressed and anxious in the Sistine Chapel at the start of 2019. I don’t plan to turn this site into a ‘recovery journal’ but, just as my body is changing, so is my outlook. Now that my sepsis experience is out there, it should be easier to return – as I hope to do more often – to other topics.

And now seemed like a good moment to freshen up the look of my page. Same geezer, different hat. I hope it works.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ultra Violet

My first thoughts are of a Sanisette, a time machine, or the Orgasmatron from Sleeper. The nurse slides the door open and I step in to familiarise myself. The cabin isn’t bigger on the inside. It is seven-sided, and each side has six floor-to-ceiling UV tubular light bulbs. She shuts me in to check that I don’t get the screaming hab-dabs in the small space. (I don’t.) There are a number of handrails at different heights I can choose from, but once treatment starts I will have to assume the same position every time. Dark googles and a black sock (to cover my genitals) will be compulsory. After the nurse talks some more I decide that wearing a visor will be a good idea, too.

When I step back into the room she examines the MED test (Minimal Erythema Dose) they performed on my back yesterday. From this, she can gauge how strong the UV light should be when I go into the cabin for real. Then we go through some paperwork. She asks me if I’m aware of the very small risk of a big side-effect (skin cancer). I say I probably saw it in all the notes I’ve been given but invite her to go through it again – at which point the student nurse who’s sitting in suppresses a giggle.

Today is the follow-up to the assessment I had the day before. Since my GP referral came to the top of the pile I’ve seen a consultant, had blood tests and been photographed near-naked from a number of angles while striking Vitruvian Man poses. And I’ve seen the photos. It’s disturbing enough to see my less-than-lovely body and my condition, psoriasis, so starkly captured. But long ago, I worked in academic publishing: I see myself transformed into a series of illustrations for a medical textbook (Figure 1.1, 1.2 etc.) I imagine the head shots with my eyes blacked out.

We run through a few more do’s and don’ts after which the nurse declares me good-to-go for phototherapy. They’d like to start on Monday. I can’t, I say. I’ll be in studio recording the fourth series of Annika Stranded. So it will be the Monday after that: the first of three sessions per week, for ten weeks.

Why am I telling you this? My condition is neither life-threatening nor debilitating. Phototherapy sessions last for no more than a few minutes. But I’ve had psoriasis for about twenty-five years. In recent times it has spread, and I find it both more morale-sapping and damaging to self-esteem than I once did. I’m curious both to see if the treatment works at all and find out if my preoccupations change in the coming weeks. Perhaps I’ll develop a new relationship with my body beyond the ‘Oh, it’s you’ terms that have sufficed for so long. Perhaps I’ll think of nothing more pressing than whether Pickford or Butland should keep goal for England. Or maybe I’ll find something of interest to others who, like me, have the recurring – if irrational – fear of waking up one morning to find themselves transformed into Michael Gambon in The Singing Detective.

To be continued.

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Postscript: In between times I hope to resume Geezer-posting about more familiar subjects, too. In the meantime, here’s a nod to those talented people I might have celebrated during the silent months:

Daniela Denby-Ashe; Cameron Raynes; Richard Brennan; Matt Haig; Tom Hollander; Alison MacLeod; Indira Varma; Alex Preston; Joe Sims; Julie Mayhew; Bryony Hannah; Hannah Silva; Hattie Morahan; Sophie Hannah; Monica Dolan; Louise Erdrich and Cherrelle Skeete.

Particular apologies to A.M. Bakalar and Agnieszka Dale whose books – Children Of Our Age and Fox Season respectively – I would have blogged about but for time pressure and maybe a loss of nerve.

 

 

 

 

 

Susmita Reclaims Her Voice: My Chemo Brain

Susmita [photo by Rohini Bhattacharya]
So what happened to me? I became a writer who could not write anymore.

In the spring of 2015 I had a Skype-chat with Susmita Bhattacharya. I needed to record some pronunciations before taking her story The Summer Of Learning into studio. Susmita had not long finished another round of chemotherapy following surgery for breast cancer the previous year. I wasn’t to mind her ‘punk look’, she warned me.

Pronunciations captured, we talked mostly about raga – something I knew little about – and what type might be appropriate to underscore her story musically. Beyond the fact that she was recovering, we didn’t really discuss her illness. Now that her treatment was over, now that her prognosis was good, now that she was ‘better’, I guessed Susmita’s main challenge would be fatigue.

Which shows how much I knew.

Awareness about breast cancer itself has, thankfully, increased in recent years. Less is widely-known about its aftermath, what’s really going on when people like me think someone is better, and it’s this that Susmita addresses in her creative non-fiction piece for Radio 4, My Chemo Brain. I don’t want to give away too much more now because I’d rather you listened instead.

In studio [photo by Jeremy Osborne]
Our radio experiments in ‘creative non-fiction’  – an elusive thing neither essay nor documentary – are still at the ‘playing in the sandpit’ stage. Though it required a lot of work from the writers to make it work, our first attempt – Comics, War And Ordinary Miracles by Adnan Mahmutovic and Lucy Durneen – came largely ready-made conceptually. And we haven’t done enough of these pieces yet to formulate ‘rules’ for them. Susmita had explored her territory in more factual essays addressing the effect of illness on her work, but we wanted something more personal, something that gave her licence to create again.

A character evolved: a young girl about whom Susmita planned to write once she had reclaimed her writing brain from her chemo brain. In the text around her, the recurring editorial note to Susmita in the drafts of the piece was ‘more of you, please.’

And Susmita gave more of herself. A lot of herself. This is the hardest thing to ask of anyone.

She also reads, beautifully.

My Chemo Brain goes out on BBC Radio 4 on Friday, 3.45 pm on Friday 29 September. Available for 30 days thereafter on BBC iPlayer.

 

 

 

 

Cut And Paste by Anya Lipska

“She’d never had any truck with the supernatural, but now and again she did sense something in the air around the dead … a faint fizzing. The last trace of the energy that had animated them for a lifetime, perhaps, hanging there like unspent static.”

Cassie Raven is a mortuary attendant with a sense of vocation. The people in her care may be dead but they are still people, and Cassie is their dedicated custodian. She prepares them for post-mortem analysis as carefully as a nurse tends the living on a hospital ward. She helps the pathologist, as she puts it, to “try to give [their families] some answers.” And Cassie sometimes comes up with answers of her own.

Anya Lipska [photo by Martyna Przybysz]
Cassie is the protagonist of Cut And Pastea short crime story by Anya Lipska, which goes out on Radio 4 this afternoon.

I’ve been increasingly drawn to crime lately. For another project, I’ve been trying to source published crime stories that might fit, or could be made to fit, the strict parameters of the ‘radio short’. They are out there, but – given that even short crime works tend to rely on the twist and turn – finding them is harder than you think. Far better, then, to commission a bespoke tale: easier for me but still a real challenge for the writer. Anya Lipska has risen to it. Cut And Paste a rounded tale driven less by detection than the need to find evidence. This would be impressive enough. But she has also created a vibrant character and an entire ‘precinct’ – all in just 13 minutes.

Ellie Kendrick [photo by Jeremy Osborne]
Ellie Kendrick is probably best-known for her role as Anne in a BBC adaptation of The Diary Of Anne Frank some years ago, and recently as Meera Reed in Game Of Thrones. Cut And Paste is written, mostly, from Cassie’s point of view, but it isn’t a first person narrative. Some radio readers ‘read’ their stories, others ‘inhabit’ them – both these approaches can yield fine results. But Ellie seems to go beyond this, not so much reading this story as becoming it, to the extent that it was difficult not to call her Cassie while we were recording – and at one point someone did just that. She is a special talent.

Anya Lipska is the author of the ‘Kiszka and Kershaw’ trilogy, crime novels set in the Polish community in London’s East End: Where The Devil Can’t Go; Death Can’t Take A Joke and A Devil Under The Skin. We produced a Kiszka ‘prequel’ – Another Kind Of Man – as part of our Angielski season for Radio 4 in 2015.

Cassie is leading her by the hand into new and beguiling territory …

Cut And Paste by Anya Lipska will TX at 3.45 pm on Friday 18 August 2017 on BBC Radio 4. It will available for 30 days thereafter on BBCiPlayer.

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See also: http://www.sweettalkproductions.co.uk; Angielski; and an interview with Ellie Kendrick in the Daily Telegraph education pages this week: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/university-checklist/ellie-kendrick-interview/

 

 

Stories With Music: The New World by Federica Lugaresi

There is a lot of music in this story.

Photo by Alice Borgatti

Gustav is an ageing violinist based in London but originally from Prague. He sits in a concert hall on the South Bank and loses himself in the music – , naturally – and in good memories from his youth. At the end he steps out into the warm London night, still in good spirits and lost in music. But then things start to go wrong.

So begins The New World by Federica Lugaresi, read by Jonathan Coy, which goes out on Radio 4 tomorrow. You’ll have to listen to find out what happens to Gustav thereafter.

Federica. [Photo by Alberto Mantovani]
Our long-running new writing showcase The Time Being may have come to end – at least for now – but we are still on the lookout for new writers when and where we can. Where did we find Federica? Not for the first time over the years we are in the debt of the excellent creative writing department at Birkbeck College, London. In this instance, Toby Litt shared Federica’s ‘Roundabout’ – a colourful tale but emotionally nicely understated – on social media. Months later, The New World is about to hit the airwaves.

A producer’s pulse quickens when he or she reads a story that calls out for musical colour. It’s an invitation to play, a chance to be creative. But it’s also a challenge to keep it under control. Once you underscore one mood with music, another mood demands you counter with something else (in this story Shostakovich makes a sudden, unscripted appearance for this very reason.) It’s difficult to start running Smetana’s Vltava under anything and know when to say ‘Enough!’

Years ago, I went to see an exhibition of Holbein’s work. The pictures that interested me most were some exquisite pencil drawings of members of King Henry’s court – occasionally heightened by small patches of colour wash. What producers do is ‘the wash’ – it can enhance, but the line is still the thing.

Maybe it’s serendipity that The New World is going out on the same day as the first night of the Proms …

The New World by Federica Lugaresi will TX on BBC Radio 4 on 14 July at 3.45 pm. Available on iPlayer thereafter for 30 days.

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See also http://www.sweettalkproductions.co.uk

 

 

 

 

What The Short Story Is For: Companions by Adam Marek

I first came across Adam Marek in a cemetery, where he was reading a story by torchlight.

It was a dark unstormy night in November. In the chapel at Earlsfield Cemetery – lights dimmed for post-Halloween ambience – Adam read to audience at a Word Factory gathering called ‘Hauntings’, while I sat in the corner of the back pew. This was in 2013. Adam’s first collection came out in 2007 so he was already a belated discovery, especially for the likes of me whose job it is not to discover writers like Adam belatedly. A number of people had said ‘You really should read …’ But I was slow off the mark. I refuse to link those two statements …

So Adam read and I listened. And then I started to read. Early in 2014, we produced a series for Radio 4Extra entitled ‘The Stories Of Adam Marek’, selecting five tales from his published collections Instruction Manual For Swallowing and The Stone Thrower, and featuring perhaps his best-known piece, ‘The 40-Litre Monkey’. Later that year, Adam wrote ‘The Bullet Racers’ for our series Short Rides In Fast Machines, a tale in which a journalist investigates claims that a teenage boy ran faster than a gunshot in a village’s annual event.

What’s with the fox? You’ll have to listen.

Adam’s latest story, ‘Companions’, went out on Radio 4 on Friday 9 June (even this post is ‘belated’ – I’m rubbish at what I do) but please, please find it on iPlayer over the next 30 days. A young man is having problems in his relationship and confides in his grandmother. Nothing unusual there, except that his grandmother is long dead (he communes with her in dreams) and the woman in his life is a robot. Thankfully – for his sake – Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina it ain’t. Granted, it has been programmed to have moods, to be unpredictable, but nevertheless it is devoted to him. Even so …

Lee Ingleby is a fine actor and finds all the nuances, all the humour and the underlying darkness in his reading.

Currently, a writer friend of mine is collating responses to the question ‘What’s the point of short stories?’ I’m not going to take this on here – I’ll refer you to her when she’s ready. But Adam’s work is a coruscating example of what the short story can do, using the freedom of the form to entertain and disturb the reader or listener in equal measure. He takes ideas or random events or very strange things and drops them like paint bombs into the everyday. Once we’ve processed the massive splats and wiped our eyes, what we see in front of us is the all-too-human in high-vis colours. When you’ve assimilated the idea of creatures being quantified this way, the crazed pet-shop owner of the 40-litre monkey begins to look a bit like an insecure, hyper-motivated parent: obsessive and abusive, certainly, but also with a strange kind of love. While ‘Companions’ has a futuristic/sci-fi setting, it’s really a tale about loneliness, self-doubt and family shadows.

What’s the point of a short story? You might as well ask what a blackbird is for, or a monkey of unspecified volume. Whether you’re already a fan of Adam’s work or would like to discover him, I hope you’ll listen.

‘Companions’ by Adam Marek is available on BBC Radio 4 via BBC iPlayer.

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See also: Speed Merchants: Short Rides In Fast Machines

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photo credit: Martin Cathrae <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/34067077@N00/5764381831″>Parental Fox</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;